Honey, You're Sittin' On a Pedestal With a Broken Leg

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by: Greg Pellam

Someone told me you were perfect
So I decided to check you out
I went to you and then I found
Exactly what he was talking about

I loved you and loved the change
And I found I never would have to wait
I could sing a song or hum a tune
If I didn't mind your alienation

The most wonderful thing about you,
Dearest, are your monuments and your halls
I even sing about you daily
And, baby, that takes balls

The best thing about you
I'm sure you already know
Is you're an exclusive lady, baby
I got you all to my own

But don't ever turn away from me
Honey, I know the fury of your wrath
I find you dirtier every day not even clean
When I just gave you a bath

I know someday you're gonna kill me
Unless I find a way out
But I guess, honey, if I didn't have you
I'd have nothin' to sing about

I know, if you don't know me you really
Don't know what I'm talking 'bout at all
All I can say to help you, is read
Marx's Wage Labour and Kapital

Choice Words

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by: Greg Pellam

If I could meet the president
That would be a wonderous day
I already have it all figured out
Exactly what I would want to say

I would walk up and shake his hand
And squeeze it rather hard
I would spit on his ugly face
And kick him in the nards

I would say: "Fuck you, dammit
You ugly fucking whino hick
I don't want to look at you
I'd rather sleep in rhino shit!

You drop bombs because you
Couldn't be what you wanted to:
Sucking cocks for fast cash
So you could buy your booze."

And then I'd run quickly home
And tell all of my friends:
"Today I met the president,
Isn't that the living end?"

The Dealer Called it Anthrax

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by: Greg Pellam

Momma, I can't understand
What I ever did to the flea
I really gotta wonder why
He's always gotta suck on me

Well, son he thinks you taste
Good, better than most do
You might as well learn why now
It's because your blood is blue

Momma, I have a friend I know
I met him yesterday at school
We played basketball together
The fleas're always eatin' at him, too

Well, son, I'll explain it again
Your friend must be like me and you
His parents must've worked harder than most
So his blood is wealthy too

No mama, this boy's really poor
His parents couldn't buy him shoes
I had to loan him half my lunch money
And he taught me how to sing the blues

Oh, no, son I will tell you why
And you can never see him again
The fleas eat him 'cause he's dirty
And the money's only for you, understand?

Ode to America

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by: Greg Pellam

I would not insult you,
Because you are too stupid,
And would not understand.

Sailed

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by: Greg Pellam

Without the warmth of golden sunlight, I'm comforted by distant lore, my heart is no longer beating, and my soul will be seen no more Contaminated world! I leave you to your distant few, and your less than interested masses to throw the balance now askew.
Drink from the cup of death and see the eyes of creation, Let the grand station master take you to your final station. But soft is my heart, and softer still is my will, picking up the cup I start, but then I waver and let it spill
And the flowers over the hill will weep for the lost sleep. The sleep that cannot be had over cannon fire so deep. So I stand to guard the world from the flying bombs, but stagger in my fortitude, and fail to rectify its wrongs
"Lo!" I cry out to death, "Take me now for I have failed! I am but a sinister reminder... the remnance of a ship never sailed!"
And I am dead

Stand Beside

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by: Greg Pellam

"Shit howdy!"
He decided to cry at me from across the sea
While the fog enshrouded in secrecy
All the things I wished to hide
And everything inside me died
There was something special about that day
Something special about the way
The police handled me and threw me in the car
But I knew they wouldn't get very far
With me in the backseat in a body jar
I knew I couldn't lose, I knew they couldn't resist
But they didn't know it and continued to persist
So I cried and I shook my head
And this is what I said:
"Culture and ridicule may take me for a ride
But I've chosen my path to the other side
So listen to me in my humility
We're going to Harvard University!"

So then, it was hardly a toke
And then I knew when I awoke
That Massachusetts was miles away
And the hotel lady said I hadn't paid
"Bitter day!" I cried, "There must be a better way!"
So they snatched me up again and sewed my new suit
And closing my eyes, I became mute
I saw an astro-turf field from a munchkin's nightmare
And a medium sized snow man caught me in his blinding stare
And he began to gnaw at my swolen cheeks
And I was misinterpreted for my many leaks
"My eyes are open!" I cried and they laid aside
And they looked at me as if I'd died
So I began to shake my head
And this is what I said:
"Culture and ridicule may take me for a ride
But I've chosen my path to the other side
So listen and follow in my humility
We're going to Havard University!"

So, with my army of midgets and sea creatures
And charcters from B-horror pictures
We hopped in the car and I gave the order
We will stop nowhere short of the Massachusetts border
My loyal troops cried a sigh
And pledged a pledge not to die
"But if you must" said my leading lady
"Die in His name, with a death so shady
That your loved ones won't even bereave
And find it difficult to believe!"
Then cried another from the front of the bus
"You must choose from among all of us
Who will lead upon your death
Who you think could guide us best!"
And I laughed and looked gently at my made death bed
And this is what I said:
"Culture and ridicule may take me for a ride
But I've chosen our path to the other side
So follow me into eternity
As we approach Harvard University!"

Guns and clubs followed us down
And my army stopped to look around
We were somehwere in the middle of Mississippi
And I saw myself, a washed up hippy
But it was too late to turn around
To turn away from what I had found
I really couldn't remember what I had been going for
A rhyme or a reason a key to the door
That they had locked for me so many years ago
And told me I would never know
So I gathered a a band of washed up dead heads
And this is what I said:
"Culture and ridicule may take me for a ride
But I've chosen our path to the other side
So in my saddened sorrowful vanity
We're going to Harvard University!"

So, with this never beaten army of none
And a hardly useful brain of one
We at last approached the gates
Of the mannered and cultured estates
Of former presidential candidates
We had finally arrived at our destination
And no army greeted us in their stagnation
A dissapointing competition
Hardly worth the repitition
So we marched in and taught classes the way it had to be done
Like those who had done it before, to everyone
There was little to be said, so in my stead
This is what the students said:
"Culture and ridicule we'll decide
We'll take the others for a ride
God bless us in our humility
The faculty students and staff of Harvard University!"

Mrs. Butterworth Used to Touch Me

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by: Russell Sanchez and Greg Pellam

Is it just me or are voters like Prostitutes?
At least whores get paid when they're screwed
Of course, the voters get a wealth of reassurance
And they rarely have to vote in the nude

I wonder where God votes on election day
After all, he is an American, am I right?
Don't talk politics or religion with Him, though,
You'll end up there all night

All I'm trying to say is:
Don't whore yourself to prostitues
And always vote on the side of God
You can find Him voting at Farmer's Market
In the 32nd Precint

Jesus begged for AOL forty days and forty nights
But God withstood His sons' divine urging
But with those puppy-dog eyes he couldn't keep it up
And He knew He couldn't keep from splurging

So God graced His son with AOL
But Jesus never did get logged on
Though he waited meek and mildly for forty more nights
Then just gave up cause it took too long

"I can turn wine to water, I can turn water to wine
I can dance the hokey pokey while doves coo time
But I can't even fucking get online!
Dad, you're a rat-bastard and I always liked mom better!"

So the Heavenly Shit hit the fan when God's boy kept getting booted
So he went out and got DSL
And anger management classes were to be damned
When he sent poor Steve Case down to Hell

Then God turned His Omniscient Attention
To the woman who once caught his fancy
"Dammit woman! Who do you think you are to gain the favor
Of our son... and what is this about dancing?
I told you not to put Him in lessons!"

In conlusion, y'know, I'd like to say:
God, like every one of us, is only human
Puts his pants on one leg at a time
And sometimes His wife gets Him fumin'
And that's why voters are like whores

Rock the vote in 2004!

To GW On His Birthday

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by: Greg Pellam

Fool-hearty villains!
My wife is in the kitchen
And she is with child!

I am not stupid!
I'm the president, dammit
You elected me!

Pappy loves momma
Brother Jeb loves his country
I love Tony Blair

There's a good reason
Why black people get the chair
That reason... well... me

On comes November
Remember Afghanistan
In 2004

First Tuesday after...
Monday?! Isn't that the first...?
When the Hell is it??

Where is oil, you say?
Pappy says it's in Kuwait
Afgh...whah? We'll just see...

Have you ever seen
A president balancing
A spoon on his nose?

Wait till I find out
Who's writing these damn haikus
Go fitch me a switch

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To Samantha (Upon Realizing It Would Be Two Weeks Before I Would See Her)

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5|4|3 2|1|R

by: Greg Pellam

The War's ceaseless sorrows
From the moment I tended to borrow
But alas! no more
Because we have tomorrow

I may not be him or her
Or him and furthermore
There's nothing left of me to share
So we'll recycle, that's for sure

Let's laugh and we can take a shower
We'll climb the endless tower
And I'm sure we'll find more than in the other days
In each together hour

Come to me my lover, my life
My stainless steel cutting knife
If you'll cut through my broken heart
You will surely be my wife

Read me now for I am stressed
And I find my self hard-pressed
To come up with the strength
To come up when undressed

But it ain't no thing
But the phone's little ringy-ding
And I tell you that's all I need
To make me feel like a king

And I can laugh
And I can scream
And I can see
You are my dream
And I can sleep
And rarely eat
And I can drive
The narrow street
Or maybe if
I write a song
These damn two weeks
Won't seem so long.

The Peanut Gallery

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by: Greg Pellam

Oh yeah, it's a-comin', that time o' the night
When young hearts' old companions meet to take flight
And I can see her warm glow shinin' into my sight
And I can't see anythin' that ain't to be right

'Cept I found it then, and they knew that I caught 'em
"Hold on their missay, there's a hole in this condom"

She dropped to the floor and begged on her knees
Beggin' me to forgive her, just a-beggin' me please
But I laughed in her face and then I said, "Jeez,
Ain't never known myself to be with such a sleeze!"

Cause I found it then, and they knew that I caught 'em
"Hold on their ladies, there's a hole in this condom"

I's just a singin' and a-rockin' and dancin' my way home
If I need to let my self go I can do it alone
'Cause what they did, I know they know that it's wrong
If they want a baby, they can do it on their own

But I found it then, and they knew that I caught 'em
"Hold on their ladies, there's a hole in this condom"

I ain't havin' it, no I don't want none
Even if her company woulda been so much fun
Maybe if it was both of 'em I woulda done it
But imagine when I found it, my look of stun

'Cause I found it there, and they knew that I caught 'em
"Hold on their ladies, there's a hole in this condom"

Realize

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by: Greg Pellam

If we don't realize
Don't open up our eyes
Expose their dirty lies
We're gonna capsize
They'll shrink us down to size
Oh, don't you wanna see
Oh, don't you wanna be
Something more than me?
Or do you want to stay
Do you want to lay
The cries of the children are calling through the night
So what are you gonna do
Will you go or will you stay?

Akbhar Allah

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by: Greg Pellam and Brandon Burns

I sent my boy Jesus, to forgive your sins
Or die on a cross, either way, guess who wins
Hate him you cannot, but fear him you must!
Or soon it will be that your soul burns to dust

You could have churches and bloody wars
For my son, or why not yours?
Because dying for a name is all that matters
Though your world is left in tatters

I am God and you should be, too
I am the Lord, so why aren't you?
Divinity is such an entertaining game
With millions of lives, they're all the same

Christ is your leader, your king, and your master
Even if He leads you unto disaster
Pain, and sorrow, and tribulation
Why can't these lead to Salvation?

You could say Churches are like filthy whores
Pay them enough and they're down on all fours
Metternich, Guizot, the Pope, and the Tsar
Are you gonna tell them that they've gone too far?

I am God and you should be, too
I am the Lord, so why aren't you?
Divinity is such an entertaining game
With millions of lives, they're all the same

Heaven is for the innocent of thought
Forget about that, I'll damn the lot!
You pray for Heaven, but end up in Hell
But for me in the end, it's just as well

I am God and this is then end,
I am the Lord, you'll suffer my friend

Friend

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by: Greg Pellam

You're still a young man in the prime of your life
Yet to find your way yet to take a wife
You sing the praises of world title holders
You bare the weight of the world on your shoulders
Outside your door the croud's screams turn to din
At them you yell, "Hear youselves see your sin!"
The bell's ring grows till you can't take the strain
Your only relief is others' pain
To the finest schools you go in the nicest cars you drive
Eat them now Dog only the strong may survive!
Women you can't have but you look at them still
Men aren't yours either, so whom will you kill?
Spaced out and dizzy, your world's a haze
Now all you can do is long for better days
When no one will beat you and stand in your place
Spit on your shoes or laugh in your face
Now that you've won it, to whom will you lie?
Or with goals accomplished, will you lay down and die?

Minors as Miners

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by: Greg Pellam

The grass was greener on the other side, they told him
The checks were bigger on the other side, they said
The grass was greener and the air was cleaner
But they didn't tell him he would end up dead

I danced the Funky-Chicken as the immigrants were crossing
I danced a jig as the illegals came
I danced the Funky-Chicken and Electric Slide
'Cause I knew that they were callin' out my name

Aye-aye-aye-aye These miners work almost for nothing
So I'll take that trip to Rome and buy myself
A second home and always use non-union labor

The Berlin wall was an evil thing, they told him
"Insurmountable" is what they said
But come on over here and you will see
A bullet flying at your head

But if you make it through I'll give you a job
I'll pay you nothing, though, if you don't mind
But if you ask for more, I'll kick you out
And you'll end up with the rest of your kind

Aye-aye-aye-aye These miners can't seem to get over
So I'll take that trip to Rome then move right down
To Mexico and there I'll find non-union labor

Oh no, they have all of these laws to trap me
They want me to stay in the U.S.
I guess I'll employ the miners' children
I know that I can pay them even less

I feel almost guilty when I see their faces
Brown and smudged and they look almost dead
But when I give them their dollar a week
I thank God and I say "Better dead than red!"

Aye-aye-aye-aye These minors cost me so much money
So I'll take that trip to Rome and hide under
A different stone and never use children as labor

Codidiay's Official Haikus

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by: Greg Pellam

My Heartfelt Applause
To The Liberated States
Of Codidiay

High atop the hill
Men rejoice in the glory
Of Codidiay

Little flea on me
He is nibbling at my flesh
I love him to death

Adam begat Cane
And thus shall the story go
Mama's love tonight

Ain't no The Guess Who
In The Liberated States
Of Codidiay

You will hear The Who
In The Liberated States
Of Codidiay

I will revel in
The inscrutability
Of others for now

Insulting Cody
A thing of the distant past
Pay attention, please...

Shoo fly go away
Horse Flies are always around
They don't bother me

The lonely fairy
Couldn't find his starting point
In his lovers' soul

...A man relaxing
The gentle glow of woman
A thing of the past...

...Vast armies marching
Calculator victory
We can understand...

It's all in good fun
Laugh at me if you care to
Or send me to Gaol

...No way around it
Codidiay will not fall
She will always glow...

Oh say, "Can you see?
All The Liberated States
Of Codidiay!!!"

Siddartha

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by: Greg Pellam

"There's two shots of
Brilliance in this glass
There was a third, too,
But that didn't last"
They were shouting at me
From across The Old Iron Room
And faintly I could hear them
Singing my praises in another room
Looking out the window that wasn't there
I saw the storm outside trying to share
The remnance of its tired wisdom
Smothered in lonliness and obese for the wear
And I cried as I watched as
A tired and shaken and lonely old fool
Came to wash that window, forsaken by Gods
As the children passed smiling on their way to The School
I shook as I overcame his forbidden snear
And let him whisper in my ear:
"There's one shot of
Brilliance in your glass
There used to be two
So drink it up fast"
I dropped the glass and then I turned
But they pulled at my hair as I tried to run
A glance at my empty hand and I cried
From the light of the sun on the stun gun, shunned
And scarcely a hundred turned my way
As I screamed and begged them to let me stay
But the filthy cowboy with bright red skin
Roped me and spun me and pushed me down
Then took off his hat and told me with a frown
How sad it is to forget ones cap and gown
If I could get away and get to my car
I knew I still wouldn't get very far
Because there they were waiting with a notion to scream
The repeated utterance of this evening's theme:
"I stepped on the brilliance
That once lined your glass
Foreshadowed in story
And faded, at last."

You're a Nation

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by: Greg Pellam

You're A Nation
You're a nation
Strong and mighty
Of women
Often flighty
And men who worship not Athena
But the Lady, Aphrodite

Euro-nation
Once tremendous
Of teeth
Often horrendous
And ships that would once have ruled the sea
But now beg to surrender

Urination is a noun
That, in this case,
Acts more like a verb
And if I could
I would piss on your every
Street, gutter, and curb

W

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by: Greg Pellam

I'm a genius of a different hue
10 to 1 I'm smarter than you
Just shut your mouth and accept it, please
Got a sturdier back and stronger knees
If I wanted to, I could beat you down
And when yer skull cracks, I'll love the sound
Hey who howdy thar Mr. Dylan
I ain't nothin' much, ain't a super villain
Ain't a singer or a talker or nothin' in between
I ain't like nothin' you ever seen
My wife and my kids they make you smile as you look
And think I'm a really funny man, a stupid schmuck
And I'll just stutter and I'll smile back
Sure they drink, sure I've smoked crack
But if you got a problem with me you take it up with God
Cause that's whar I come from, from up above
And somewhere up there He's smilin' down on me
Sayin' "How proud can a man make Me be?"
And it makes me happy to know that I can make Him smile
Even if I only need Him for a little while
Pretty soon I'll be up thar with my space farin' rockets
Puttin' all yer money in my great big pockets

The Local Land Mine Intrigue

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5|4|3 2|1|R

by: Greg Pellam

I've been sittin' on a land mine all day long
I've been sittin' on a land mine all day long
I've been sittin' on a land mine
And a life like this it suits me fine
I've been sittin' on a land mine, oh Lord

I haven't had no food to eat all day long
I haven't had no food to eat all day long
I haven't had no food to eat
And I ain't got no shoes on my feet
I ain't got no food to eat, oh Lord

Been watchin' nothin' but a calendar all day long
Been watchin' nothin' but a calendar all day long
Been watchin nothin' but a calendar
And I don't care who I'm workin' fer
Been watchin' nothin' but a calendar, oh Lord

I've been waitin' for a mule train all day long
I've been waitin' for a mule train all day long
I've been waitin' for a mule train
And I don't care if it brings me pain
I've been waitin' for a mule train, oh Lord

I've been wondrin' 'bout my future all day long
I've been wondrin' 'bout my future all day long
I've been wondrin' 'bout my future
Been thinkin' 'bout learnin' how to throw a curve
I've been thinkin' bout my future, oh Lord

Talkin' Mortuary Blues

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by: Greg Pellam

Well I ain't too good but I been worse
That's how you get when you're drivin' a hurse
I drive dead people up and down
I take 'em to the mortuary in the town
I'm a hurse driver
Business is slow
Gotta get paid

There's some days when lotsa people die
But days that they don't make me wanna cry
I like to drive dead people all around
'Cause when I talk to 'em, they don't put me down
They're dead people
They don't talk much
I think that's good

When I don't got much to say to them folks
I like to tell them all my dead people jokes
How many corpses does it take
To screw in a light bulb at a mornin' wake
They think it's funny
But they don't laugh
'Cause they're dead

There was one day when no one died
I found an old house and went inside
There was an old lady sittin' all alone
I hit her on the head with a great big stone
I'll tell her my jokes
She's gonna listen
If she likes it or not

I ain't got a wife don't got no kids
I used to but they ran away and hid
I didn't like 'em any way
I said "Don't come back another day."
It was funny
I got my dead friends
I'm not alone

Greg's Haikus

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by: Greg Pellam

It's nice to be thin
It's nice, too, to be Irish
I'm thin and Irish

I saw the foreman,
He told me to go outside,
I went to his wife.

A haiku for you
A little haiku for you
A little haiku

Haiku damned are you
Get thee from mind to paper
And be read for now

I write to you now
Haikus of mine are not good
Why would you save these?

This is really fun
I will write all of this night
Better than you-know-what

Brandon is on now
I will not talk to him now
This is too much fun

Roseanne is on soon
I will go soon to watch her
Oh no, a rerun!

A famous person
And here comes another one
And I am here too

Confucius say please
I say you are not welcome
When he say thank you

I guess this is it
Go home then or go to hell
I sing a soft song

No woman, no sleep
Rasta man write haikus now
No sleep is allowed

Let us thank the Gods!
Immortal in the Heavens
No christians today!