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Quote:
"He's in pain, but it's still funny!"
--Brent
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...sniff... |
Plain English: New Site Comp
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From News
| My Fucking Shorts | Big | 5|4|3 2|1|R |
Goddamn it. Vicky is belittling my shorts on her blog. I think they're an adequate length (see the below article, which features a picture of me wearing them). My dad, back in the day, at least, used to wear much shorter shorts. Maybe six or eight inches shorter. Shorts with no inseem. Mine almost come down to the knees... almost.
Also, no one is nice, or even polite, anymore. I'm jogging today (going down Benvenue, up Derby, up College, and down Dwight), and as I run by someone, I wave politely. You know, a nice "hello, I acknowledge that you exist."
Not a single response.
Not one!
In ten people.
Not one person waved, not one person said "hello," not one person winked, not one person even looked at me. People looked away when I waved, like I was a fucking leper. Stupid people.
I'm very upset by this.
Anyways, go tell Josh you hope he feels better, and say: "fucking aye." Go now!
From News
| Play Rugby | Big | 5|4|3 2|1|R |
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We actually played our first game of midnight rugby on Thursday night, last week. That's me on the left... after the game, of course. We played 3-on-3, and on a very wet field, which resulted in a game even more physical than most rugby games. The score is pretty irrelevant, as the teams changed every few minutes, but it was an incredibly high scoring game (as three players can't really defend the entire field). Thanks to Michelle for ref'ing for us. In related news, Cal beat St. Mary's in rugby on Saturday, 51-7. Next week, we're moving it to Wednesday night, on campus, and will be opening the game up to general attendance, and spectators, of course. Hopefully we'll draw enough people for a game of sevens. You should come by, it'll be a good time. |
| CBR Week #10 | Big | 5|4|3 2|1|R |
The Trix Rabbit easily beat Coco last week, 10-3. The bunny must've been wizened by those hundreds of battles against the "trix are for kids" gang. Those guys are heartless killing machines, I tell you.
Anyways, this week it's the freshly-named BuzzBee, (the Honey Nut Cheerios Bee) versus Sonny, the... uh, well, I don't know what sonny is... maybe a cock. Yeah, that's it, Sonny's a cock. So, will BuzzBee sting Sonny in the eye, or will Sonny... uh... jizz on BuzzBee. Just pretend that I'm not biased.
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Cereal Battle Royale
Who would win in a street fight? |
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The older Cereal Battle Results have been moved here, if you're still interested.
From News
| 10,000 Hits | Big | 5|4|3 2|1|R |
Hell, yeah! November (which, at the time of writing, still has 19 hours left in it) is far-and-away the busiest month in CTF history. November's 10882 hits (so far) easily eclipses August-2002's 6747. This is fucking great, I can't even tell you how good it feels; and not only is the site getting thousands more hits than usual, I'm also a porn king.
Why, you ask?
porn.php, the frontend for Skimmer2, my porn search engine, is getting almost 3/4ths of the hits. People are suddenly linking to Skimmer from all over the place, which is cool, because I put a shitload of work into it, and it seems more worthwhile when others frequently use it. Since the site won't get Slashdotted unless I write something coherent, the best I can hope for is getting Farked. -sigh-, maybe one day.
From News
| Now Playing | Big | 5|4|3 2|1|R |
So right now I'm in Berkeley all by myself, because every other person is either at home with their family or at a homeless shelter eating Thanksgiving dinner. After walking around naked got old, I embarked on several coding projects, one of which actually works: now playing. So it takes the song that's currently playing in my Winamp and puts it in a little bar right under the whiteboard, if my Winamp is actually running. If you're lucky, it's probably up there right now, and might read "MC Paul Barman - Get MTV off the Air (Part 2)" or "Handsome Boy Modeling School - The Projects" or "Tenacious D - Wonderboy" or "Deltron 3030 - Love Story (instr.)", but probably doesn't read "Celion Dion - Some Shitty Song" or "Garth Brooks - I'm a Better Baseball Player than Musician, and I'm a Crappy Baseball Player" or "Four Non-Blondes - No One's Going to Get this Joke, Anyway (Remix)."
Also, to spice up this update, I noticed that the Oxford English Dictionary has an entry for "doh," which I will present to you now:
doh, int., colloq.
Expressing frustration at the realization that things have turned out badly or not as planned, or that one has just said or done something foolish. Also (usu. mildly derogatory): implying that another person has said or done something foolish (cf. DUH int.).
From News
| The Bears Win! | Big | 5|4|3 2|1|R |
Finally, a victory against Stanfurd for the wonderful, glorious, and amazing Golden Bears. I don't even know what to say, so I'll leave it to the experts: Daily Cal's Game Summary, Post-Game Riot Summary, and Misc. Game Photos. SFGate also has a good article on the game, titled The Big Maim. Hey, look, it's Pradeep!
From News
| c7f.net | Big | 5|4|3 2|1|R |
You know it, I know it, and thousands of people who visit every month are painfully aware: codythefreak.net is too long, and sucks to type. Thus, now I offer an alternative: c7f.net, it works just like codythefreak.net, and you won't notice any other differences, besides the nine characters that you don't have to type.
CTF Webmasters: I encourage you to take advantage of the anonymity of this shortened URL, especially for those of you who don't actually want to associate with me in public. So, for example, now you can start giving out the address angie.c7f.net, biggreg.c7f.net, or torikyn.c7f.net.
Now, I should answer some questions:
Q: What the fuck? c7f.net? What's with the seven?
A: Obviously, you're not an l337 4aX0r like me... The 7 stands for T, n008.
Q: Ha! ctf.net wasn't available, was it?
A: Actually, it is for sale, but I don't have $12,000. You don't have $12,000, do you? Because that would be great.
Q: Even if I did, shouldn't you have that surgery first? The doctor said it would probably add 20 years to your life.
A: Nuts to that. Only the good die young! ... [coughs up unidentifiable red object]
Q: What is that?
A: I think it's a piece of intestine.
Well, there you have it. I hope that answers all of your questions. Now visit c7f.net.
From News
| New Banners, Finally | Big | 5|4|3 2|1|R |
Thanks to Vicky for two new banners (actually three, but I'm saving one for a special occasion), which are the first new banners since March. The first is a throw back to the good old days of sheep-jokes on the second floor, and the second was is my first seasonal banner.
From News
| This Just In: I'm Made of Money! | Big | 5|4|3 2|1|R |
Apparently my status as a student just cries out to the world:
That's right, I'm made of money, and money grows on trees, and I won the fucking lottery last week, so dig in, everyone, there's more than enough of my money to go around.
First, I pay $432.25 for a 45-minute phone call to Moscow (go ahead, try to calculate the $/min), then the city of Berkeley hits me with $200 worth of parking tickets in two months, and then fucking Northwest Airlines jacks up ticket prices by $250 right before I buy my vacation tickets. This, of course, is not to mention that exorbitant prices charged at any business within a mile of campus, and the exorbitant rent charged by so many Berkeley slum lords.
Even worse, some Cal students are scalping Big Game tickets to other Cal Students. Fuck You! Don't rip off your peers! Too much Cal-student-on-Cal-student hating. I swear to god, I'm going to find one of these student-scalpers, and kick the shit out of him.
Gaaaaah!!! I'm not made of fucking money, please have mercy! [Pointing to a man in a suit] Go rip off that guy, he's got tons of money.
From News
| Final Cody's Bitch | Big | 5|4|3 2|1|R |
The trial lasted almost 11 months, but the author of the Cody's Bitch series of anonymous submissions is now safely behind bars (on unrelated charges) and the judge has authorized me to post the final submission in the trilogy. I'm posting this only hesitantly, because it really is fucking disgusting, but I did promise to post whatever the fans sent in. So here it is. Keep 'em coming.
From News
| Retrospect: 125 Days of Pizza | Big | 5|4|3 2|1|R |
125 days ago, with encouragement from coworkers and my roommate, I set out on a challenge: to eat a slice of Blondies Pizza every day. It was no teamster-style challenge--I went every day, including weekends, holidays, and over Spring Break, through sleet and snow and all those crooked bums on Telegraph. (No, I will not give you mony for pot, you motherfucker, that was only amusing the first 100 times. If you want my money, be original and ask me to help you get a bite to eat.)
But I digress, the point of this story is that my goal was to go through the last day of finals, May 25, or challenge day 124. Furthermore, I threw a huge party on Saturday night to celebrate the challenge, and eat the last slice (after midnight, counting for day 125, a nice round number), and have tons of booze left over. And, since I promised my mom a long time ago that I would never drink alone, you need to come over and help me finish these beers.'
Come on, I'm waiting. This beer isn't going to drink itself. Boy, if it did, that'd be some sight. Oh, also, there will be pictures from this party. Stay tuned.
From News
| Ed To Open Clit-Folding Franchise | Big | 5|4|3 2|1|R |
Ed Meng, a local socialite and fellow double-major, has hinted at the nature of his summer project for 2002: clit folding. Meng was quoted as saying, "hey i gotta piss and take a nap and fold clits," before practicing for the American Clitoris Association exam (or "clixam"), which lasts five grueling hours.
Presumably, Meng would set up a chain of clit-folding franchises in and around Berkeley, dedicated to the ancient, and long lost Laotian art. Such businesses usually cater to lonely single or widowed women who prefer the hands of a stranger to autoerotic stimulation. Of course, since clit-folding is illegal in forty eight states, including California, such businesses would front as massage parlors, or supermarkets, much like Andronicos.
Meng would not enjoy a monopoly on clit-folding, though. Sources reveal that Meng's franchise would compete against under-the-table businesses running in the Andronico's sea-food section, in the back room of Yogurt Park, and amateur clit-folders living in nearly every fraternity around campus. Representatives from these fraternities say they encourage Ed, and hope Ed's franchise clit-folding parlors will create job opportunities for many amateur clit-folders.
Good luck, Ed, fold that clit once for me!
From Errata
| That Wiley Matlock | Big | 5|4|3 2|1|R |
A friend of mine did something incredibly geeky the other day when he sent me the Matlock theme song (sorry, Rickey, ya'll can't deny it). Yes, that's right, the Matlock theme song, as in, the theme to Matlock.
Since then, I've found myself going through the stages of Matlock. First, I thought it was hilarious, and played it for Pradeep. Then, as the song was finishing, I just barely avoided throwing it in the trash. Next, I started to accept Matlock, listening to the song casually, and playing it for guests (who were back in step #1, amusement). Lastly, I've reached the state of remorse. I don't know why I like the Matlock theme, but I'm not comfortable with it. This is all very upsetting. I'm afraid that I might end up sending the Matlock theme to someone else, some day, at which time, I will have hit rock bottom.
From Errata
| Stapler Guy = Classic | Big | 5|4|3 2|1|R |
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Milton, the arsonist, and stapler-phile, who works pro bono in Office Space, is now, officially, a classic character. When Angie sent me the wave file of him saying, "Excuse me. Yeah, uh, I believe you have my stapler," it reminded me that the guy is still funny, and always will be. Even though the movie came out in 1999, Milton's violent antisocial antics and quiet meekness are still funny today. You might also recognize Stephen Root, the actor who played Milton, from News Radio, in which he played an even cooler character, Jimmy James. Hats off to you, Milton. |
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| Face Off Which do you prefer? | |
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From News
| Greg the Red | Big | 5|4|3 2|1|R |
I don't want to over-foreshadow Greg's newest poem, but I should say that they don't call him Greg the Red for nothing. Usually, most readers won't really get the point of Greg's poems unless they read between the lines; however, thankfully, Greg lays it out in plain English in Honey, You're Sittin' On a Pedestal With a Broken Leg. Please send all complains and hate mail to isuck@closemindedbastard.com.
Also, many have complained that I don't update the site that often. In response, I promise to add another story in no less than three days. If I fail, feel free to post insults on the whiteboard (like you don't do it already).
From RLoT[X]
| Mr. Nice | Big | 5|4|3 2|1|R |
Pradeep and I have been enjoying the amputee-antics of Mr. Nice for days, but that doesn't stop him from dancing, does it? One caveat: don't watch him dance too long, or else you'll start sulking around, stammering about Mr. Nice's evil bidding.
At $35 for 58473 visits, that's $0.000599 per visit
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By: Cody Smith, www.codythefreak.net, 2001, 2002.